Opinion: Evolution’s #wedgiegate Horror
By Robin Darke on June 11, 2012 in Style
Every year, without fail, there’s a trend that causes hundreds of Frankie Howerd stly sideways glances and bitchy giggles. If it’s not the functionality of a poncho making people look like an Ugly Betty tribute, then it’s the encompassing Flossys that clag to the feet of men who think that camouflaged shorts are the epitome of sartorial excellence.
The trend this year are denim hotpants that are lodged so far up the anus of teenage girls that rivets and threads will be popping out the next time that they watch a Justin Bieber video and feel a little amorous.
Without sounding like a Daily Mail article about women’s fashion, as a way of flaunting off your figure hotpants are brilliant. They’re the next best thing to wearing some frilly knickers and a bra when walking around town. There’s nothing that you can hide from being revealed in a pair of hotpants, because it’s essentially trying to hide behind a light fog. Which is what these girls want admittedly; show off ever increasing levels of flesh so the flash Boy Racers in the fast cars will take notice of them.
Which is fine if you’re a stripper or a woman with as many morals as the usual Jeremy Kyle victim (these two aren’t mutually exclusive), but as these girls get younger and younger and their fashion choices become more and more risqué, the serious impact of what they are wearing becomes more and more extreme. A girl of 12 has no reason flaunting what constitutes most of her arse, whether the weather is hot or not.
Girls, why not pick a skirt? Skirts, whether maxi, mini, or midi, have become lynchpins of massive trends the past year and have become a staple of the vintage look. What’s the appeal of having dimply arse cheeks hanging out from under frayed denim if the only reaction it’s going to get is derision and repulsion (either genuine or mock)? Which isn’t a snobby comment about how teenage girls should have pert bumcheeks, because personally, I’d rather not see any bumcheeks on the way to pick up some milk and sausages at all.
And surely wearing a skirt that can get a breeze around you would be better than being crammed into a pair of shorts that are probably two sizes too small anyway? These girls, not old enough not to realise that thrush isn’t featuring on the new Cher Lloyd album (although it probably will in some way), won’t know what’s happening until it’s too late and their undercarriage has gone to way of Clint Eastwood’s face (i.e. red raw, not bearded and bedraggled). Which is also a drain on the NHS, isn’t it?
Here’s a handy hint: if you have to breathe in, think of (Fern) Britton then maybe this pair of shorts isn’t for you. Also, I don’t want to see your anus. I’m sorry, as brilliant as you might find showing it off, it’s putting me off my caramel macchiato.
- Opinion: #Wedgiegate – A Retort