Opinion: The Hoppings
By Robin Darke on July 13, 2012 in Society
There’s always time for the finer things in life; having your future told by a lunchtime supervisor, seeing what your dinner looks like being forced through your nose at hundreds of miles an hour, and eating a hot dog that plays Russian Roulette with the actual reality that you might need large portions of your bowels removed.
Normally, you would have to travel hundreds of miles away to Lightwater Valley or Alton Towers for the pleasure, but once a year, for a short period of magical time, we can get all that lovely stuff right on our doorstep because The Hoppings doesn’t like to disappoint, and disappoint it didn’t.
For the One Hundredth and Thirtieth Time.
The Hoppings, with it’s illustrious history of 130 years, has been providing low levels of e.coli and high levels of fun for the region since 1882. That’s the same year that Jesse James was killed and Adolf Hitler’s older brother, Aloise, was born. That’s a long time ago y’all. And in that time, there’s still some kinks that need to be beaten out of the process.
If you’re looking to go somewhere people are respectful and helpful, then The Hoppings probably isn’t going to be the place to go. Fortunately, there are other places for that, but if you wanted a cheap and tacky fun then this is definitely the place for you. So what if you had to queue to go on a ride that looks like Wilbur Wright would dismiss it for being too unsafe? Once the initial pant wetting fear fades and you have someone’s hair slapping your face with every rapid turn, there’s something exhilarating about staring Death in the face and mouthing ‘You whack son.”
The Hoppings, as old as it may be, still attracts thousands of families region-wide, as well as groups of teenagers, eager to feel thrills and spills that are like the Nemesis or Ultimate, but not quite as safe, and like it or not, people flock there year after year because, for many people who go, they can’t afford to go to the bigger name theme parks all the time, and this one is just one their doorstep. So why wouldn’t they? We’re not all snobs here in the North East.
Usually you can have an alright night of fun there, filled with copyright dodging toys, goldfish who have gave up wanting to live and frequent bands of roaming teens that know what a Vegas Girl is, but can you imagine getting a quick blowie behind the Gypsy Rose Sandra caravan in the pouring rain as people loudly vomit around you? Although this sounds like a brilliant piece of downloadable content for Theme Park, in practice, it probably won’t be one on those nights that you remember for years to come with fond memories.
Unless the fond memories are of your loved one finally coming off the antibiotics to treat the pneumonia. And as The Hoppings was closed once already this year because of the weather, we can chalk it up to yet another thing the rain has ruined this year. Placing it on par with your Nan’s washing during ToonFlood and hopefully The Olympics.
- OPINION: Stop Whinging, The Metro’s Mint