Opinion: The Olympics
By Adam Clery on July 25, 2012 in Society
I am so excited for the Olympics. No, really. Genuinely giddy. The corners of my mouth gurn skyward at even the very mention of the summer games and I’ve even took a snapped protractor to my forearm to carve out the date and time the torch was passing through Tynemouth. I haven’t been this excited about anything since I read on ceefax that they’d classified Jurassic Park as a PG.
Just think how amazing it’s going to be! 8 squillion different events, all of which we’re going to win. That’s 8 squillion different slow-motion montages all backed by 8 squillion different Elbow songs. It takes a certain type of miserbalist to look at that prospect at drop their shoulders in apathy, and we have a word for them. Scottish.
The Olympics is going to be the best thing to ever happen to Britain. Better than The Vikings, better than marmalade, and better than Kelly Brook combined. For the first time since The Blitz, you won’t have to go abroad to endure sweaty panic on public transport or get knocked up by an athletic American who’ll promise to write.
I know we’ve normally got loads going on in this country during the summer, but surely the Olympics trumps all our usual fun. I normally dread having to pick between smashing up a few shop windows, getting murdered in a pokey rural town, or going to the V Festival while I’m flip-flop shopping. Mercifully I don’t have to this year.
Instead I’m getting right into the spirit of things by swearing brand allegiance to one of the carefully selected murder of official Olympic partners. From now on I’m only filling up my car at BP garages. Nevermind all that carry on with spilling 5 million barrels of oil in the Gulf of Mexico, that was years ago now and they’ve obviously learned from these mistakes by sponsoring the discus. I also plan to stop swearing at BMW drivers who don’t indicate, go for a Big Mac between meals, and stop self-harming during those BT adverts.
Out of simple courtesy to the rest of you, I could at least have feigned indifference for the duration, but somewhere between reams of school kids not being allowed to do a fun run because they didn’t have Adidas trainers, and the now infamous “nay-chips-unless-you-buy-it-wish-fish” scandal, all the pleasantries have been steadily beaten out of me.
I have a digital watch, at 12 minutes past 8 every night I’m terrified of looking at it in case I’m in violation of the 2012 branding law and a team of heavily sponsored schock troops smash through my window and cattle brand me.
Remember that whole “we’re all in this together” thing Henry from Thomas The Tank Engine was going on about when he was elected? Well it’s true! Those are our taxes putting snipers on roofs in East London, so who cares if nurses are getting the sack, they’ve got sharpshooters making sure that all the visiting despots and dictators will remain thoroughly unmolested. You have to admit, that’s pretty cool.
Illustration by Chris Atkinson
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The Olympics kicks off today. @AdamClery gets on the blocks for the 4 x 100 word sarcasm relay | http://t.co/o0Cq6KvV
The Olympics kicks off today. @AdamClery gets on the blocks for the 4 x 100 word sarcasm relay | http://t.co/o0Cq6KvV
The Olympics kicks off today. @AdamClery gets on the blocks for the 4 x 100 word sarcasm relay | http://t.co/o0Cq6KvV
The Olympics kicks off today. @AdamClery gets on the blocks for the 4 x 100 word sarcasm relay | http://t.co/o0Cq6KvV
The Olympics kicks off today. @AdamClery gets on the blocks for the 4 x 100 word sarcasm relay | http://t.co/o0Cq6KvV
The Olympics kicks off today. @AdamClery gets on the blocks for the 4 x 100 word sarcasm relay | http://t.co/o0Cq6KvV