FEATURE: Summer Fashion Guide For Men

By Robin Darke on August 3, 2012 in Style

Being a man who isn’t a body double of Jean Claude Van Damme (pre beer advert) can be hard. There’s bumps and protrusions all over the place that you can’t quite keep under control. If it isn’t the pot belly, then it’s the unsightly bulge in your pants that’s putting people off you.

Wearing some nice clothes is as tricky as not burning the second round of toast after you’ve just made the first round of toast and the toaster is all warmed up and screaming ‘COME ON! PUT SOME MORE IN ME AGAIN! I’LL SHOW YOU WHO CAN BURN BREAD IN THREE MINUTES!’

Well, overeager toasters aside, finding clothes that fit and make you look partially respectable is tricky. Especially if you’re limited to the street fashions of the streets of Newcastle. Want to look like everyone else? Who are we to stand in the way of stilted progress?

WITNESS! Our dead easy guide to looking like everyone else on the street.

Bulk up your body to ridiculous proportions. If you think that the sleeves on that extra slim fit are just a bit too snug? Then your arms aren’t big enough. You should be seam poppingly powerful. If your veins start to pop to the surface, even better. Everybody wants to see how blood is carried around your body.

Don’t buy clothes that fit you. Buy them so they cling to your body like mediocrity on last year’s X Factor. The trick is that you should distract people from seeing how vapid and boring you are by wearing ridiculously tight t-shirts. Honestly, the tighter the better. If you can breathe out it’s not tight enough.

The exact opposite applies to trousers. Coloured jeans are a no-no; they’re far too interesting. Instead, go for a colour that everyone has. Pop to Primark because they’ll have a cheaper version for you. It’ll help you save money for sunbeds. The trousers need to be baggy because you need to be able to fit two hands down your pants so you can jingle whatever horrors you have lurking down there. Y’know those adverts for Power Duck where the germs lurk under the seat? That should be your balls.

Always, always, always have a side parting. Even if you’re only going to get some milk at the shop, spend hours perfecting your parting. You never know who you will see in those six steps. The opportunity for sex is always there.

Your skin shouldn’t have any natural pigment on it. Paler than glass snow? Slap on some colour. The darker the colour, the better you’ll feel, and the more people will look. People should admire your tan. And DFS should want to hire you as a sample booklet for customers.

Finally, travel in packs. There’s nothing as sexy as a group of overbuilt men acting like teenagers.

As a sidenote; you should become fluid in bullshit and not use the word ‘literally’ correctly.

We hope that this helps traverse the tricky aisles of Topman and All Saints and ensures that you have a wonderful Summer dressed like everyone else and not having an individual opinion on anything.

Are you not a man in the biological sense? Or perhaps just just curious about what the fairer sex might be wearing? Well there’s a similar guide for the ladies, here.

Wild Assumptions About North East Summer Fashion

Opinion: #Wedgiegate – A Retort

Newcastle Fashion Weekend

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