FEATURE: Summer Fashion Guide For Women
By Nicola Owen on August 3, 2012 in Style
It’s hard for a nice girl, what with the porn becoming mainstream and the wrong sort of wedgies proliferating all around us. I mean, all a chick has to do these days to get adoring attention is flash her beef curtains and it’s a TV show and a Bentley before the fake tan has started to fade.
Choosing to wear actual clothes, have considered opinions and not make your sex tapes public means you’ve got absolutely no chance of becoming a style icon at all. Anyway, fame is for losers. Those of you who don’t give a Gaultier about fifteen minutes of it can follow these pointers for a stress free summer.
Barbeque Belle. Inspired by Gaga this outfit will see you swagger through sizzling soirees with a handy stock of sausages. Cover yourself ad hoc in cuts of meat sewn together by bits of string. You could even customise with a chilli necklace. People who aren’t vegetarian will welcome you with open arms and intellectuals will praise you for making a statement about overconsumption or something. My mate did this on a shoestring by buying off Dickie who sometimes runs in the pub sweating profusely and looking over his shoulder.
Paint The Toon. Mock a decade of the insidious evil of reality television by buying a skin tight frock, tie-dying it in a rancid solution of vomit and blue Wkd and pairing with glittery stilettos to give you that alluring stagger. Apply lipstick to your teeth and smear your eyeliner for authenticity. Hey presto, instant sartorial sarcasm, you clever thing you.
Slum It. Mummy and Daddy want you to put on a strapless dress and chat with Gideon who works in banking, has an overbite and a thousand yard stare. Before you know it you’ll be more brood mare than a clothes horse and watching the world go by from your gilded cage like a sad songbird swaddled in ill-fitting Prada.
Easy fix. Go North East Native and buy some jim-jams from a budget supermarket and wear them day in/day out as both casual and formal attire. Accessorise with jelly flops and three week old chipped nail varnish. It’s fun, cheap and sexy. Well, sexier than a forced marriage and living off the tears of the people.
Finally, the ultimate must have for summer is UVA/UVB sun cream. It might not be cool but neither is cancer. So there, dahlings. Mwah x
- Upcycling? Fashion frugality? Whatever, We Went Swishing!