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Krispy Kreme

OPINION: I Donut Understand These Krispy Kreme Fanatics


Queues stretch around the building. A quickly augmenting atmosphere of hysteria and mass panic sits in. The young and weak seem to be pushed to the ground as we see a tangible demonstration of social Darwinism taking place. No this is not another Northern Rock scare, nor even is it the release of one of those vampire books which everyone seems to be talking about, this is the day that Krispy Kreme doughnuts open their doors to the public of Sunderland for the first time.

For those of you who have perhaps been living under a non-hollowed out rock for the past few years, Krispy Kreme is an American doughnut shop which has sailed over the Atlantic Ocean and invaded our green and pleasant land. The opening of the Sunderland branch has followed on from a new Metro Centre store and there will be a new franchise in Newcastle city centre in the near future.

The tangible excitement for many is plain to see as these new distributors of fattening food arrive in the north east. One such thrilled member of the public has tweeted, ‘kirspy kreme in sunderland from today .. I know where our pitstops will be from now on #nomorechillenos.’ The Krispy Kreme mania has extended far beyond simply a new place to rest on long journeys however. Indeed, people have raised the snack on to dizzyingly high pedestals with tweets pushing for Krispy Kremes to run in the current American election. ‘KRISPY KREME #Twenty12 Presidential CAMPAIGN T-Shirts on SALE NOW,’ an example of one such tweet.

Indeed the seriousness of the problem is only just starting to sink in, as people are coming down with cases of krispy kremitisus, which is a condition that has left sufferers with the desire to burn holes in everyday items in attempts to replicate their passion for the aforementioned snack. In order to try and halt the spread of this condition, it is advised that all circular shaped objects should be locked out of sight.

As I stand here and watch the mad flocks of people descend upon these stores up and down the country, I find myself asking, why are these people so intransigently intent upon devouring more and more of Krispy Kreme’s doughnuts? Before I am accused of the usual cynical hatred of anything which more than a handful of people confess to like, here is a list of things that I enjoy: the Olympics, bacon sandwiches, Mila Kunis, Adele, the cold side of the pillow… I could go on but I’m sure you get the picture.

So now you know that I am not simply refusing to enjoy Krispy Kreme for the sake of doing so, and that I do have a soul, what could be possibly my reasons for avoiding the masses on this one? Could it be that I see the store as representing yet another wave of corporations amassing more and more control and power over the world market and thus causing economic inequality and in turn destroying the environment? Or could it be that I see them as another brand of ubiquitous American fast food coming to our country in order to fatten our bellies and raise our cholesterol? Well, no.

In essence there is no logical explanation for my severe dislike of Krispy Kreme, I am just left utterly perplexed at why so many of my friends and countrymen are so obsessed with, well, just doughnuts. I don’t hate doughnuts, I just think of them as a mediocre snack that I normally associate with Homer Simpson. But I do hate the seemingly never ending talk of how desperately I want to go to Krispy Kreme or my inexpressible delight at the new opening of a store in my town. So the next time you find yourself in a human stampede to enter one of the nationwide Krispy Kreme stores, why not ask yourself, is all this worth it for what is at the end of the day, just a doughnut?

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